Me and My Big Mouth!

For those of you that know me, at all, you might know that I sometimes talk alot more than I should and, occasionally, say things that would be better kept in quiet company, if said at all. Accordingly, I just finished a lengthy e-mail to an old college professor of mine that I have since befriended. I'll spare you anymore of the details of what I said, or he said, or anyone said because I feel the text from the e-mail is sufficient to re-create my awkward remarks which, years later, I felt the need to explain more thoroughly.
PS: You'll know you've made a ridiculous comment when you find yourself in a situation that necessitates such visual aids as I've included and use of the phrase "assless chaps" with such frequency.
Here's the content of the e-mail:
It's funny you mentioned Kim "in black leathers riding on the back" because I remember, with some horror, the time the four of us were having dinner at your log cabin and I mistakingly mispoke with regard to "leathers." In case you've forgot, we were talking about our mutual dislike for pineapple on a pizza and I said something to the effect of "Pineapple on a pizza is as ridiculous as assless chaps on a motorcycle." Being that (your wife) and yourself are probably owners of "leathers," there was a particularly awkward silence following my remark, as I'm sure you can imagine. You kindly tried to assuage everyone's discomfort and move the conversation elsewhere, but I felt the need to explain myself (as I meant to explain the clear distinction between what I understood to be "assless chaps" and an entirely different piece of clothing known to afficianados as "motorcycle chaps" or "leathers"). I'm not sure I ever explained myself sufficiently and, so, would like to take one more shot at it, particularly as this has been one of the great regrets of my loose tongue.
As I was saying, motorcycle chaps and "leathers" are entirely perfunctory and a useful piece of clothing, particularly if one is to be riding for an extended period of time, hence their value to motorcyclers, cowboys, and ranchers. "Assless chaps," however, have an important difference that make them compellingly distasteful to the aforementioned populations. You see, assless chaps have a piece of material that extends from the middle of the waistband on the front of the garment to the middle of the waistband on the back of the garment. (This is very different than motorcycle chaps which have material run down the waistband along the hip.) On assless chaps, this "front to back" leather strap not only covers the genitals, but splits the buttocks, as well, creating the appearance of leather pants with patches cut out for the buttocks. It is also uncommon to where anything underneath these "assless chaps." Finally, this particular piece of clothing is not uncommon to some more eccentric members of homosexual population. Again, please consult the pictures I've attached, both of which are appropriate to use as visual aids. You'll see in the first one, with the manequin, the piece of material going across the back and, in the second photo, the wardrobe John Candy and Eugene Levy are sporting should help you imagine the view when the two of them, and particularly Eugene Levy, turn to walk away. If you need to see more, the movie "Armed and Dangerous" might also be of some use (it's where the second picture is taken from).
Anyways, I hope I've explained myself more fully this time and shown that assless chaps are of an entirely different subculture than the motorcylce subculture. For that reason, I opined the original assertion that "Pineapple on a pizza is as ridiculous as assless chaps on a motorcycle." If, however, you understood me all along and not only own a pair of assless chaps but wear them as I've described, then I really went out of my way to prove myself the fool. Hmmm.
Well, I hope I've done this justice, and apologize for the loquacious use of detail, but felt compelled to clear the air. As for Kim in leathers on the back of my Harley, I'm sure I would enjoy that, but don't know the first thing about motorcyles and think that buying such a beautiful bike as what you have (I saw it online at CraigsList) would be the equivalent of showing up for my driver's ed. test in an Indy Car...simply, a bit ambitious for me. In any event, enjoy selling it online and the upcoming trip to Nova Scotia.
I'll be in touch with you for advice if and when I get to the point I'm ready to go to the Whaling Museum's library, but appreciate your enthusiasm for my proposal. And you're right about the cultures course you mentioned; I expect I would have not only enjoyed the content of the course, but the comaradery, as well.

Best regards,
Pat